The Violence You Don’t See: Understanding Vicarious Violence Through a Legal Lens
"Carla, what exactly is violencia vicaria?"
The question is simple. The answer is not.
Attorney Carla Peguero pauses before responding, not because the concept is unclear, but because it is deeply uncomfortable. What many people still fail to understand is that this is not a rare phenomenon, nor a theoretical one. It is already happening, often silently, inside family structures that appear "normal" from the outside.
"In English, the closest term is vicarious violence," she explains. "But even that translation doesn't fully capture the weight of what it means."
What Is Vicarious Violence?
Vicarious violence is a form of gender based abuse where the aggressor harms a third party, most commonly children, with the explicit intention of causing emotional devastation to the mother.
This is not accidental harm. It is strategic.
The term itself was introduced by psychologist Sonia Vaccaro in 2012 to describe a pattern that had long existed but was rarely named.
At its core, this form of violence weaponizes emotional bonds. When an abuser can no longer control or directly harm a woman, he shifts the target to what matters most to her.
Her children. Her family. Her emotional center.
"This is where people get it wrong," Peguero says.
"They think domestic violence is only physical. It's not. This is psychological warfare, and it's often far more destructive."
THE LEGAL BLIND SPOT
Here is where things get complicated and, frankly, flawed.
While the term vicarious violence is increasingly recognized in countries like Spain and parts of Latin America, it is still not widely codified in U.S. legal frameworks under that specific name.
Instead, cases are often fragmented into categories like:
- domestic violence
- child abuse
- coercive control
- custody manipulation
That fragmentation creates a problem.
"If you don't name something correctly, you don't address it correctly," Peguero explains. "And when the system doesn't fully recognize the pattern, victims fall through the cracks."
She's right.
Without a unified legal recognition, judges, attorneys, and even law enforcement may fail to connect the dots between behaviors that, together, form a clear pattern of vicarious abuse.
"PEOPLE WANT QUICK SOLUTIONS," SHE SAYS.
"THERE AREN'T ANY. THIS REQUIRES STRATEGY, DISCIPLINE, AND CONSISTENCY."
How to Recognize It Early
According to Seguero, waiting until the situation escalates is the biggest mistake.
The warning signs are there. People just ignore them.
She breaks it down bluntly:
- A partner uses children to send messages, manipulate, or threaten
- There is constant interference with custody or visitation to cause distress
- The children are emotionally turned against the mother
- Threats are made involving harm to children or loved ones
- The abuser escalates behavior after separation or loss of control
"If you're only reacting when there's physical harm, you're already late," she says.
Protection Is Not Passive
Final Thought
The real danger of vicarious violence is not just the act itself. It's the invisibility around it.
And until more people are willing to call it exactly what it is, it will continue to operate where it always has, inside families, behind closed doors, and just outside the limits of what the law is ready to confront.